Finale and Standing O

Last Meal: Frozen Pizza and a Big Salad
Last Drink: Frozen Water and a Big Scotch

Our last conversation was also pretty big, but the temperature varied according to perspective. I would suggest that our last chat was pretty chilling, but Grandma might disagree. SHE would probably say that it was HOT HOT HOT! Grandma has been known to get a bit obsessed and distracted with other peoples sex lives. I am one of a long line of family members to fall prey to Grandma's inappropriate, unwelcome, and extremely uncomfortable commentary. She has absolutely NO filter and evidently no shame to speak of.

As per usual, this conversation began with light hearted banter about something that was none of her business; my sex life. It wrapped up with a similar (yet different!!!!!!) sort of conversation regarding something I wish wasn't my business: Grandma's sex life. That's right. Now, I'm totally used to hearing about how much she "misses the company of a man" (and she doesn't mean anything wholesome by that, trust me) but this was the first time she was talking about her sex-life in-between husbands.

After Grandma's first husband passed away and her second son went off to college a book of mysterious origin was delivered to the house, or so she says. This book was "delightful" and gave Grandma "LOTS of pleasure" over the years. Eventually she fell in love again, re-married and had no use for the book. She only remembered it again when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a few years ago, at which time the notorious pack-rat, convinced that she was going to die, went on a pitching spree and disposed of any and all remotely embarrassing paraphernalia (face-lift photographs, pornographic books, etc.) Never imagining that she might one day be widowed twice and need a book of that nature, there it went!

Surreally enough, this is where I come in. Two major scotches were all that was needed to get Grandma to 'fess up her porny secret, and two major scotches were just enough to get me on Good Vibrations and order her a couple new books. Hopefully Grandma will have all the release she needs this summer and I won't be subject to interrogation in the fall! That could be wishful thinking, but I'm holding onto it. The best part about this whole plan is that the books are going to arrive while I'm out of town! It's foolproof!

In other news, Jordan has finally joined the embarrassed ranks. The lucky guy was witness to and subject of Grandma's hyper-sexual scrutiny: I called her to let her know that I landed safely and was at home and all was well. She asked point-blanke if we had been making love. Whether we had been or not is irrelevant. Trust me. It is. Completely. Absolutely irrelevant. Irrelevant. I tried to stifle my giggles as Jordan blanched and had to leave the room.

Out with a "bang," right?!?